The Olympic Tampon has reached Whistler,British Columbia, where a smiling crowd of athletes eager to set their feminine hygiene products ablaze in a show of international solidarity gave the traditional greeting: "Up yours, and pass the kerosene."
In related news, the Greek government has announced plans to charge every person in the world who watches the Olympics $100 for the privilege. They hope to pay off 5% of the national debt by the end of the fortnight. Yet another reason I won't be watching.
A statue of the young Barak Obama had been erected in a park in Jakarta to celebrate the U.S. president's boyhood associations with the place. However, a torrent of objections to the effect that Obama has never done anything for Indonesia led authorities to transport the offending likeness to the grounds of a primary school that the president once attended.
Like far too many other people on the planet Earth, I have visited the planet Pandora as portrayed in the Block-pulverising movie Avatar. Not of my own volition, but because some of Vulnavia's younger relations dragged me to see it.
I nearly threw up.
Not at the politics, the sub-wooden dialogue ("We've got to take this to the next level..." I believe was one of the more original lines in the thing. )
Nor yet the ripping off of whole scenes from fantasy films that I haven't seen (These thefts were gleefully pointed out by Vulnavia's younger relations, who thought the film was unoriginal and poorly written but fun to look at. These being well-adjusted youngsters, they seem perfectly content in their daily lives and to have no yearnings for journeys to fake planets. In fact I’m sure if you asked them about all those blue special effects, they would say something like, “Oh, yes. I remember now. They seemed fun at the time.”
Nor was it even the nauseatingly condescending implication that pseudo native religions might actually be true--in the sense of being able to affect physical reality--when none of the Cameron set could find the front door of a church if it had "GOD" written over the door in red block capitals several feet high.
It wasn't even the even more condescending white western eyes through which the whole film was shot with that inevitable premise: there's only one decent white person (standing in for James Cameron and all the others who saw themselves in this) surrounded by a lot of other madmen boiling with homicidal cupidity. Only our hero can stop the other evil white people AND SAVE THE POOR BACKWARD BLUE PRIMITIVES with the suspiciously African features and voices. Yes, only our hero (and the people wetting themselves in the seats over this magnificent rendering of their favorite wet dreams of being indispensable) can save everyone else from themselves (if they're white) or their helpless backwardness if they're (cough cough) blue.
No, what made me sick was, quite literally, the film itself. About ten minutes into the thing I began to feel dizzy. Shortly after that I was ready to bring back my lunch on the heads of those in front of us. Being a restrained scientist and having a black belt in Ohtodo (the ancient Japanese "Way of Vomit") I was able to curl myself into a ball and retain some level of sanity by only glancing at the screen every few minutes. Apparently this is not such an uncommon phenomenon. In fact, one poor chap in Taiwan died from a brain haemorrhage induced by watching the film. It has something to do with the combination of 3D photography and the fact that the camera never stays still. During more peaceful moments, when things were merely 3D, and the Special Effects creatures were maundering on about natural spirit life, my mind was able to settle and I could actually watch the screen.
So, James Cameron (and all those electronics companies apparently itching to sell us 3D television) here's one customer who will not be buying again.
Oh, and for those who can't stomach the real Avatar (for any reason) this probably provides the essence of the thing.
For commentary on those fools unable to shake free from Mr. Cameron's vision and live in the real world, click here.
Junichi Ujiie, chairman of Nomura Holdings, addressed a few home truths to the annual gathering of economic bigwigs in Davos, Switzerland today.
First he asked whether management at banks really do work that is worth tens or hundreds of times as much as that of the average employee. Unthinkable in Japan.
Second he pointed out that if the Obama proposals to regulate financial markets are introduced,the first thing financial institutions are likely to do is to sell off government securities, which are highly liquid and have little risk of producing a loss.
Not what the new regulators intended? The road to fiscal Armageddon is paved with good intentions
Apple guru, Steve Jobs, has unveiled the iPad, a hi-tech feminine napkin that is guaranteed to protect women, even on those days when the floodgates let loose, as long as they remain within the coverage area for ATT wireless.
If they get on planes and have to turn off all electronic devices--they're on their own.
UPDATE: It seems that not only did Mr. Jobs choose a silly name for his new product, he chose a silly name that someone else had already registered as a trademark. Fujitsu began marketing its iPad in the US in 2002: a device used to keep track of inventory (another reason you and perhaps Steve have never heard of it). Here's a picture for those who doubt my word:
I live a quiet life with the corpse of my wife, Victoria, whose resurrection I work for hourly; Vulnavia, my assistant; and my daughter Clitoria (conceived, we believe, while on a visit to South Africa)
